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The Used Helicopter/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW red: Hi. This is red green. In today's show, harold's gonna review some movies, bill's gonna make some camp alarms, and I'm gonna turn a toaster into a cd player. [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now here's the man with the big ideas but the small budget, the high expectations but the low standards, the rising profile but the fallen arches, my uncle, your host, red green. Thank you very much, and, uh, thank you, harold. What an interesting introduction filled with oxymoron, which surprised me. I've never seen you do the "oxy" part before. Well, you'd be surprised what I can do. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Not pleasantly surprised. Big, big week at the lodge this week. Junior singleton took all of his money out of the bank and bought himself a used helicopter. Can't believe they would sell somebody a used helicopter. Yeah, especially junior. He doesn't even have a pilot's license. No, but he has a bank balance, harold. And I believe the insurance on a helicopter's a lot cheaper if you never fly it. Junior's real smart with money like that. Well, it would be great if we can get some aerial shots of the lodge for the show. Well, I think you're gonna have to get those from the aerial. 'cause a couple of days ago, junior went down for his helicopter-license test. It wasn't good, harold. He -- he flunked the oral test. He flunked the written test. He flunked the eye test. He went in the wrong washroom for the other test. Well, you know, I'd look good in a helicopter, huh? Wouldn't I look good as a -- as a chopper pilot? I see you more as chopped liver, harold. You better watch what you say to me, uncle red. Wa-a-a. You may need me someday to come in my helicopter and rescue you from a mountaintop. You know, if we were to get a mountain around here someday. Harold, if I go to a mountaintop, it'll be to jump off. You won't jump. Well, maybe not if you went first. ♪ go down to the meadow a little after dark ♪ ♪ listen to the sound ♪ ♪ of the golden-throated ruby-crested lark ♪ ♪ stand by the water with your hand cupped on your ear ♪ ♪ listen very closely, and this is what you'll hear ♪ it's extinct. This week on, uh, "handyman corner," we've got something for you audiophiles who collect the phonographic literature, which is not what the rest of you are thinking, so save your money. We're gonna make us a cd player for this, the cd. Uh, harold tells me that these cds have half the hiss of an lp or a 45 or even an 8-track, which I find hard to believe. Unfortunately, the cds cost about nine times as much. In fact, by the time you buy a couple of them cds, you don't have any money left to be able to afford the cd player. So we're gonna show you how to make one using your common household toaster. Now, the first thing you have to do is gut the toaster -- just like gutting a fish. And with this toaster, pretty well munged up with old melted cheese, it's gonna smell about the same, too. Uh, that's not gonna -- this might loosen her off a little. Yeah. All right, uh, once you get the heating unit out of there, just, uh, put it somewhere safe for later. 'cause in a couple of weeks, we're gonna turn a weed whacker into a combination hair dryer and sideburn trimmer. All right, get back to our cd player. Uh, the inside of a cd player, as I understand it, is basically a laser controlled by a computer chip soldered to a circuit board. So what I've done is I just, uh, crazy-glued a bunch of digital clocks, uh, to a pie plate. And, of course, you're gonna need some kind of a small electric motor to, uh, work as a drive to make the cd spin. No problem. We've got that covered. And when it comes to the actual, uh, laser itself, uh, now, these are usually a gallium arsenide solid-state laser, but if by chance you don't have one of those in your tackle box, uh, I think you can just go with a pocket penlight. It's basically the same procedure, and I think imagination beats intimidation any day of the week. So once you've got all that stuff, the important thing here is to get her in there, get it lined up absolutely perfect, get her balanced in there absolutely perfect. And then, to make sure nothing ever moves, you want to mount it using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. All right, there we go. As you can see, I painted her up a little bit, gave her the flat-black, kind of a sporty look, and I've added some, uh, control knobs here to give me control over the volume and, uh, treble and the balance and the melted cheese, what I call colby noise reduction. And speaking of things that are old and kind of smell funny, I have hooked her up to my own nordmende there as an amplifier. Of course, this has got the tubes in it. And I was concerned about the tubes. But, uh, I took them down to the variety store here, 'cause they got a tube tester in there. And I was trying to test the darn tubes, having a heck of a time with it, and I finally went to the guy. I said, "how come the tube tester doesn't work?" and he says, "because it's a banking machine." now, that's progress for you. So then I needed some speakers. Well, I decided to go with the homemade style. And I got the wireless hookup on those. I figure if I turn her up loud enough, the sound will get into the speakers. And, uh, actually, I started with pricing them out down at the stereo store, one of those places where they got carpeting across the floor and up the wall and across the window and over the guy's forehead and so forth. And, uh, boy, they got speakers in there. They had one speaker that had to be 6 feet high. It looked like a coffin. And it would have been once my check bounced. So I just go with the homemade style. I've got her all hooked up. I think everything's looking good. Why don't we just pop the cd in there and, uh, see how she goes? [ explosion ] [ sizzling ] hmm. [ electronic warbling ] I got her. Well, that's side "a" done. Uh, if you really like music, you can do the same thing with a four-slicer, and, uh, your songs will play right up to when the fire truck arrives. Next week, we're gonna show you how to turn a waffle iron into a close-and-play record player. But until then, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Wonder what raisin bread sounds like. You know, if it's california raisins, they might even sing. And now it's that time in the show where we expose the three words that men find most difficult to say -- "I don't know." [ chuckles ] and now here to prove that point is my uncle red and his best friend in the whole wide world... Mr. Dougie franklin. Letter number one. "dear experts, for the past 10 years, "I spent evenings and weekends "restoring a '68 camaro to mint condition. "I invested thousands of hours and many dollars getting it perfect." wow, that's a -- that's a beautiful car, harold. That fella ought to be mighty proud. You know, that is a dandy -- dandy. "when I was finished, "I was overwhelmed by a great feeling -- a great feeling of emptiness." huh! "suddenly, I realized that I had wasted "an entire decade of my life on a stupid car. "10 precious years gone. My family were gone. "what a selfish, blind fool I had been. "how can I find meaning in life again? Signed, despondent." hmm. Does he say if he wants to sell the car? I -- I don't know. I think what we're having here with our viewer is what we call mid-car crisis. This fella needs a little guidance. And one great place to find some words of comfort and advice is in your fortune cookies. So I would suggest you get down to the bulk-food store there with, say, a 10-gallon pail and just load her right up, and sit down in front of one of your favorite soaps and just pig out and get all kinds of words of wisdom all at the same time. Well, you know, red, there is another source of wisdom and one, I might add, that has a little bit less msg. You want to know how to live your life? Live by the 10 commandments. I do. Yeah. Yeah, I -- I guess I do, too, dougie. Yeah. Well, so do I. I do, too. "thou shall not kill." [ chuckles ] I never, never kill. No, and, uh, of course, there's "thou shalt not commit adultery." [ scoffs ] well, that, of course, is for, you know, you married types, you know. Then again, there's "thou shalt not steal." that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. And, uh, there's, uh... The others. How many did we get? Three. Well, there was, uh, killing, adultery, and stealing. And then there's, uh... Yeah, yeah. Isn't there one about the sabbath? There is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, "honor thy mother and father." that's one. "honor thy mother and father." yeah, unless they're anything like my father. "do unto others as you'd have them do -- do unto you." and, uh, I think that's number 4. And number 10 is, uh, "have a nice day." yeah. That's a cheerful one. That's, you know, nice. Yeah, yeah. Uh, now, I believe -- I believe number 9 is, "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, go for it." and, uh, number 3 is, uh, "finders keepers." oh. Words to live by. Words to live by. How many are we up to, now? Uh, nine. There's just like one more. Yeah. It's number 2. What is that? What is that one? Got it, got it. "it ain't over till the fat lady sings." yeah, there you go. That's it. Okay, well, I hope that our viewer can get some help out of these great words of wisdom. Yeah, and if you're gonna sell that camaro, give us a buzz, will you? "it is summer. "you have lost your son at the amusement park. "he's wearing neon orange, lime green, and bright purple, allowing him to disappear into the crowd." this is beautiful. Oh, this is first-class. New toy, there, reg? [ grunts ] oh! Oh, boy! I'm sorry, red. This new telescopic lens is so powerful, I couldn't even see you. Oh, here, take a look. What do you see? Great big eyeball. Oh, no, that's a chipmunk. You know, reg, this might be a little too strong for it to be of any real use to you, you know? Well, I bought it to hunt from junior's helicopter. Can't ignore technology, red. No, sir. Now, watch this. See that acorn on the one, two, three, four, fifth branch on the top of that oak tree over there? Watch this. Did I get it? Probably, eh? I bet I did. I bet I did, I bet. Okay, now, see that rock? [ gunshot ] well, the guys have been having a lot of fun with junior's used helicopter, but they couldn't find a big enough landing space between any of the trees around the lodge, so they got out the big chain saw, lopped about 6 feet off each end of the helicopter's rotor blade. I-I think that would dramatically alter the flying characteristics, wouldn't it, uncle red? I mean, you know, according to my little bobby hobby book on how to be an astronaut -- I'm just saying, you know, such a modification would -- you know, it would significantly just, you know, decrease the lift. Was that just a lucky guess, or did you hear the crash? Landed right beside my window. Wa-a-a! I almost got circumvented by the tail rotor. That would be no damage at all, I don't think. So, now the guys had to figure out whether they should decrease the weight of the unit or increase the speed of the blade and regain the original push. That's lift. That's vertical lift. No, no, no, not in this case. It's more of a horizontal push, harold. They fired her up, and the blade was going faster than ever, but the whole helicopter was doing actually more of a sideways than an up. So now the whole forest on the east side of the lodge is exactly 6 feet tall. Wow! Wa-a-a! Well, I guess we got a lot more firewood, then, huh? Yeah, and a view. The question is who wants a lawn mower that cuts your grass to 6 feet and runs on aviation fuel? And that's a dangerous unit -- I mean, came right through the bunch of us. Luckily, none of the guys is over 6 feet tall... At least not anymore. Yeah, I thought I noticed moose thompson had lost a little hair. And a little forehead. But, then, a long forehead on moose is just false advertising anyway. So, now the guys are gonna maybe convert the thing. They're thinking it over, maybe make a hovercraft out of her or a fan boat or perhaps a four-man cuisinart. Wa-a-a, you guys are scary when you get together. Well, harold, you're scary all by yourself. ♪ I've had too much coffee ♪ ♪ too much coffee ♪ ♪ way too much coffee ♪ ♪ and that's why I'm watching tv ♪ ♪ in the middle of the night in the bathroom ♪ ♪ it's any of your business ♪ well, big trouble out at the campsite this week for our "adventures with bill." bill brought me up to show me what was going on. He held up the old paddle there, and you can see the big teeth -- the big bite marks out of that from a bear or what have you, one of those italian loaves that have badly treated by something very hungry, and he had a can of -- some kind of can of something that had been bitten. Then he got an idea. [ ding! ] hmm. It wasn't as much of an idea as it looked right there. That's actually a little portable lamp that he brings to all his campsites in case there's hydro. Anyway, he's got some washers there. I mean, what's going on here? Now, he says, you drop the washers into some -- into some tin cans. What he's trying to do is make some kind of a noisemaker-type deal. [ splat! ] hmm. That sounded odd. Oh, that's why that happened. All right, now he strings all the cans with the washers in them, you see. And you string it across like a -- I guess like a trip wire. And he gets around the tree with that and, uh, pulled her tight. But I don't think you should use a jerking motion with those. I think you should just tighten that gradually, bill. Don't -- don't -- bill, bill, bill -- no! Well, now the -- now the washers are kind of like, uh, almost like a bullet at this point. Oh, he's fine, yeah, yeah. [ gunfire ] okay -- no! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, the end of another good idea. Anyway, we put the washers back in. See how that works? Any kind of an animal will hear that. And then he had another rig there with a little bunch of curb feelers off the old -- oh, no, this is the jingle-bell one first. Yeah, they -- they -- I love that. It's like -- sounds like santa's coming to town, huh? And then he had the -- these are the curb feelers off the old studebaker -- the studebaker lark. That makes -- oh, maybe those are those sparkler things. I'm not sure. Anyway, the same idea -- the animal trips over that. And so now bill can just get back into the tent and, uh, lie down. You know what? He's gonna take his paddle. He likes to cuddle up with a paddle, ever since that canoeing accident. And he just, uh, pretends he's asleep. [ snoring ] just pretends he's asleep, fella. He's a bit -- actually, well, if he can pretend he's asleep, I'll pretend I'm an animal. Time to ring your bells, there, bill. Up he comes. Step one -- get out of the tent. Out of the tent! Get out of there, bill! Get out of there! Get out of there! Get out of there. Now, go and get that bear. That's it -- whoa, whoa! Then back the other way, and -- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh! Now, see, in the old days, he wouldn't know there was an animal. And it would be eating all his food. That's progress, eh, bill? And now, with my apologies to young people everywhere, here's harold. Wa-a-a! It's time now for teens to tune into that techno-pop-hip-hop-talk part of the other show. Wa-a-a, it's... Okay, uh, today, I'm gonna be reviewing that classic film "gone with the wind." p.U.! This thing was like four hours long! That's like, you know, two video cassettes. Okay, enough's enough, even. "gone with the wind"? It should have been called, like, "gone for lunch" or -- or, like, "gone fishing for a plot" or something like that. Four hours? You know, I don't know. Maybe audiences had more time on their hands when this movie was made back in the 1800s or something. I don't know. But I'm telling you, today's audiences -- harold! What? I really like "gone with the wind," okay? Four hours of fires, war, horses. And at the end there, clark gable swore a little. You know, I'd look a little bit like clark gable if I had a mustache. Harold, if you had a mustache, you'd look like your mother. Well, thank you. [ chuckles ] she's not gonna be happy to hear it. I know a lot of you teenagers go to the movies because, uh, I'm the guy that sits behind you and tells you to shut up and reminds you that girl you're with is the daughter of a friend of mine. So I know that you're getting exposed to a lot of violence, especially if you keep rattling that cellophane bag of jujubes. But the movies today, oh, my god. Seems like somebody's always getting their head blown off or you get the slice-and-dice or you got rambo turning everybody into spambo. I wouldn't do to fish what the people do to each other in some of these movies. And I'm concerned that the youngsters start accepting that level of violence as part of their normal daily lives. This could be bad news for crossing guards. So I'm asking you -- you teenagers particularly -- to just to put the violence on the back burner. Start concentrating on sex. That's where you should have your mind, because the libido only lasts a certain length of time, whereas the urge to smack somebody in the melon goes right to the grave and beyond. I heard that, uh, junior singleton was, uh, fooling around with his helicopter down by the docks, so I went down to see hap shaughnessy and see if he'd seen him and had any idea what was going on. You seen junior singleton? I heard he was down at the dock here. Probably down at the boathouse dock, red. Climb on. I'll give you a ride over. Oh, I don't want to cause any inconvenience. No inconvenience to me, red. Yeah, I know. What's junior singleton doing down at the boathouse dock? I don't really know, but it involves whatever's left of his helicopter. Ah, he was asking for trouble, flying without a license. Why didn't he ask me? I never crashed once in vietnam or korea or operation desert, uh, song, falklands or toledo. I was a helicopter traffic reporter. In toledo? No, vietnam. In toledo, I was loni anderson's private pilot. But I never, ever crashed a helicopter. No, me either. You don't fly helicopters. Yeah, me either. Now, hang on. I know everything there is to know about helicopters. Last time I was in the andes, this plane crashed into a mountain pass. The only way to rescue the survivors was by helicopter, but the big choppers couldn't hover in the thin mountain air. So I eliminated everything but the engine, the throttle, and gripping tightly onto the exhaust, I flew up there, and I got those people. Hell, they made a book and a movie about it. Oh, yeah, "the great imposter." no. No, this was called "alive." harrison ford played my part. But he was cut out of the final version. It's too bad, too. He gave a very convincing and a very believable performance. Oh, so he changed the character completely. Well, this used helicopter has turned into a real challenge. I suggested junior return it and at least get some of his money back. But he said that his wife already found out that he bought it, so there's really no safe way out of this at this point. You know, if people thought these things through, maybe we wouldn't have these kind of problems. How many times have I wished that your parents had thought things through, harold? But we make the best of it, and that's exactly what junior has done. He took the motor and the blade off the helicopter, and he mounted them sideways on the boathouse like a huge nuclear fan. And then he took what was left of the helicopter, added a couple of canoes to it, and made himself a glider. Wow, so, how does this work now? Like, does the nuclear fan just kind of blow the glider away? No, no, buster hadfield tied a rope to the glider and anchored it to the dock. So junior kind of floats over the lake just like that. He can fly in a straight line for five or six hours and never be more than 89 feet from the lodge. And he doesn't need a license, 'cause it's not really an airplane. It's classified as a manned kite. Or maybe a manned lightning rod -- we'll see. Whatever it is, it sounds cool! Wa-a-a! I'd love to try that! You think I could trust you guys not to cut the rope? Not a chance. [ screeching ] oh, it's meeting time. I'm gonna go down to the meeting, and I'm gonna get those guys to swear they're not gonna cut the rope. Well, you usually get the guys to swear, harold, but it generally lacks focus. Go give it a try, and I'll be down in a minute. Okay. Yeah. Well, I guess the helicopter thing wasn't a total disaster. I mean, junior got a new toy out of it. And now we're guaranteed a breeze on possum lake, even if it drowns out all conversation and shreds the occasional duck. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I hope you notice what happened here tonight. Junior went out and spent a whole lot of money on a helicopter, and they're still married. So surely I should be able to buy a fishing rod without calling in a marriage counselor, wouldn't you think? And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching ] harold: All rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. All right, I know a lot of you were disappointed in how the helicopter thing turned out. [ indistinct conversations ] but we can't get away from the reality that we have leveled over 200 acres of bush.